We’ve witness them all, the wild world of walkers. They make up an interesting array of individuals throughout Manhattan, especially mid town Manhattan. From the fast paced, “Move out the way!” Storm Trooper. To the, “Which way am I going?” Drifter. They all have their idiosyncratic maladies which affect their fellow walker neighbors more so than themselves. I personal get caught up in all of them, moving in all directions, at any time of the day.
Maybe I’m meant to be so graciously blessed with sidewalk traffic jams. It’s as if walking at any speed, in any form, in any direction, at anytime, no matter what, I get caught up in the madness.
So let’s go through them one by one:
- Storm Trooper – They move straight ahead with no hesitations and move quick. They know exactly which way they’re going and know all the shortcuts. They’re by far the most agile of the bunch. If one is heading towards you, don’t worry, just keep walking the way you normally do and they’ll swoosh on by just like a breeze.
- Drifter – So, if you were to drift with a car it would be extremely dangerous, right? It would also be a traffic violation, and you’d most likely get a ticket or lose your privilege to drive all together. But, on the sidewalk, eh…NO BIG DEAL. Straight lines are only for linear equations and bridge design according to Drifters. They just can’t seem to walk in a straight line, ever! So, when you’re walking behind one and want to pass, it becomes a challenge. With these intentions to pass Drifters, they somehow seem to subconsciously know which side you’re going to and begin to drift in the same direction. It’s as if they can read your thoughts, like they’re directly connected to your mind. Try to beat a Drifter and you’ll end up going mad. The Drifter always wins, always. The thing to do, is avoid them all together even if this means crossing the street or walking in the street. Just stay away and keep your sanity.
- Bouncy – It’s as if they’re walking on a trampoline. They’re up, then they’re down. They’re up, then they’re down. It’s kind of funny actually. A Bouncy walker always gives me a good laugh.
- Arm Swinger – It is possible to walk without swinging your arms so violently back and forth. I feel as if I’m under attack every time I get too close to one of these kind of walkers. I wonder if they stopped swinging their arms they would stop moving and just fall over?
- Waddler – Now these ones are great! I’m not sure how the mechanics work exactly, but I think they just use their momentum, kind of like a Slinky does to move along. They transfer energy from one side to the other, thus creating some form of motion. It truly is amazing what humans can do!
- Mini Stepper – If you like the Waddler then you’ll love the Mini Stepper. To make countless steps and still not get anywhere is magical. It has to be magic, or maybe witchcraft, either one it’s a gift. You can’t learn this art, it’s unlearn-able! But, we can gaze in utter amazement at the chosen ones. They step and step and step, yet move only in our minds, and never on the ground.
- Many Bags – Are you leaving the country or just carrying everything you own with you at all times? Many Bags walkers are great! They’re always prepared for anything. So if you’re ever in trouble or need help, seek one out fast, for sure they will be able to help you.
- Announcer – Yes! We can hear you know. And if we walk along side an Announcer we’ll know exactly what’s going on in their world. But hey! They love to share the drama. For example, here’s a quote heard the other day, “Ain’t nothing but craziness going on behind these eyelids.” I’m not exactly sure what that means, but it has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
- Hand Talker Walker – We were born with two arms, two legs, and one mouth, so why not put them to good use. The Hand Talker Walker is very animated and dominates their surroundings with vocal resonance and crafty hand gestures. In fact, I’m not even sure they think anybody else is around them. It’s as if they’re strolling along a desolate path in the middle of a forest with no sign on man for miles to come. Or maybe it’s a self defense feature to warn others to stay clear and not get too close.
- Runner – When all other types of walking just isn’t working for you, then start running. The Runner is the one who gave up on trying to be elegant, mysterious, creative, magical, or unique and instead decided to rekindle with one of man’s oldest forms of transportation.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all types of walkers. That’s what makes New York City an interesting and amazing place. If we all walked the same way that would be boring. Imagine a world with only one style of music, or one language, or one cuisine. Just picture this: everyday you walk into a restaurant to hear the same three songs while eating the same thing (let’s say oatmeal, yummy!) and everyone speaks only one language (let’s say Spanglish, huh?). I don’t know about you, but I would eventually get really bored, maybe even go a little insane, but at least I’d have my oatmeal. So, honor the different types of walkers, and cherish your walking style, and be happy and walk.